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i used to be more inclined to do the types of things that i might consider self-defining... now i'm simply all too comfortable to just 'be'. I am not motivated to express myself.. whether by writing, speaking, creating art, or even down to the clothes i wear.. I am not as concerned with how my actions or inactions will be interpreted or what the future will bring.. I don't know if its a matter of having found peace or having settled.. or if the two are interchangeable. Or, for that matter, if they are interchangeable, whether or not this is a positive or negative thing. 

If there was greatness in me, it first manifested as inner turmoil.. and now, by way of extremely painful metamorphosis, i'm here.. sitting on my ass.. giving zero fucks.
well hello.  don't forget to see the new film 'samsara' by ron fricke and crew when it comes out!   kthx, baiiiii
baaawk bak bagaaawk
sometimes i feel that parts of myself are lost to myself...   that i have reached a ceiling or a great decline in personal growth.        And then I have to ask of myself:   How much of this is genetic?   How much of this is natural with age?   How much of this is lifestyle?    How much my imagination?



Be healthy.

If necessary, consult the eightfold path:

www.thebigview.com/buddhism/ei…
* Jeremiah: Top 5(K'un) & Bottom 6(Ch'ien) = Hexagram 11: Peace (The Pervading one)

    * Traits:

   Harmonious, Plentiful, Peaceful, Confident, Balanced, Mediator, Steadily growing, Nourishing, Blending yin and yang, Energetic, Whiny, Very fortunate, Picky, Separates things, Analyzes well, Of two minds, Confused, Great luck, Lethargic, New beginnings, Contemplative, Open, Fair and just.

    * Life lessons:

   These people must not lose sight of the forest for the trees; they need to learn that all things are one and that they should become a bit more forceful and stubborn.

    * Positive tendencies:

   These are naturally wise people.  They work hard to be just, value harmony, and strive to nourish all the people around them.  These poeple have amazing bursts of new energy; they separate the old and tired from the new and prospering, encouraging fruitful new growth, push projects in the right direction, regulate and control their lives, and generally create a cooperative environment.  Very peaceful and relaxed, these people work on steady evolutionary growth for all people.  An exellent mediator, they are very in touch with their yin and yang, their inner male and female selves.  This unleashes great potential wisdom and understanding.  Good at counseling and healing, they are adept at balancing all sorts of feelings, emotions, and deeds.  They can analyze things in detail and are able to separate into their distinct components so as to later unite them in a productive manner.  Whether working with people, paper work, ideas, or handiwork, these people have the gift of being able to weed out negative elements, reorganize the structure of something, and then renew and rebuild it so that it is better and more prosperous than it was.  This can also apply to relationships, which they are great at constantly renewing and revitalizing.  Contemplative and very open, these people are natural "alchemists" who, to make a long story short, can combine opposites into a harmonious whole.

    * Negative tendencies:

   These people can get lost in analysis, dividing things up to the point of creating division instead of understanding.  There is a possibility that deep understanding of duality can also lead to a kind of schizophrenia, a dividing instead of uniting.  At times open and peaceful to the point of obsequiousness, these individuals can be classic wimps, people who are limpid and lethargic with no real force.  There is also a "holier than thou" attitude that may surface in these truly harmonious people; no one likes to be preached at, and any reforms or changes, no matter how necessary, can anger people when tact is ignored.

    * Compatibility:  

   -Naturally tend to have positive reactions to: Hexagrams: 1 The creative, 12 Standstill, 14 Possession in great (Hugo) measure, 20 Contemplation, 23 Splitting apart, 33 Retreat, 35 Progress (Sean), 44 Coming to meet

                                                                          *

   -Naturally tend to have negative reactions to: Hexagrams: 2 The receptive, 5 Waiting, 8 Holding together, 11 Peace, 19 Approach, 24 Return, 34 The power of the great, 43 Breakthrough.
my sister did a reading with some astrological thingy of me and my character-  I am hexagon 11.  according to the reading, my negative tendencies follow

* Negative tendencies:

   These people can get lost in analysis, dividing things up to the point of creating division instead of understanding.  There is a possibility that deep understanding of duality can also lead to a kind of schizophrenia, a dividing instead of uniting.  At times open and peaceful to the point of obsequiousness, these individuals can be classic wimps, people who are limpid and lethargic with no real force.  There is also a "holier than thou" attitude that may surface in these truly harmonious people; no one likes to be preached at, and any reforms or changes, no matter how necessary, can anger people when tact is ignored.


basically i have had this conversation-- both internally and externally for years.
Revelation

It is strange how repetition brings out beauty in seemingly ugly surroundings.   MY initial reading of Ode brought on thoughts of "Oh God, another long wordy poem.   These poets weren't concerned with bringing their thoughts to others, they were trying to create images of intellectualism for themselves."  Second and third readings dashed this theory pieces.  Wordsworth is beautiful!   In reading Ode, I have come closer to understanding myself.  There have been times when even I was fearful that my wanting to be alone much of my time was indicative of abnormality.   Why didn't I savor the loud fast-moving antics of most of my peers?  The answer is clearer now.   I need the peace of meditation.  My soul is different in that it clings to the "celestial light" that most people lose.   In short I have become a philosopher.  I go to the woods not so much as to run from people as to run to a medium with which i can always identify.  Dr. Kaplan, who spoke in the recent Nobel Conference, established the difference between communication and communion.   Only in love and greatness can communion be found between people.  The balance is communication, characterized by the use of words to impress others.   Dr. Kaplan had a term for this.   He called it "dualogue."  This is what i flee from, this lack of real human interest and understanding.  With nature I can commune, opening my soul to unblemished truth and beauty.  For this realization of God I am eternally thankful.   Others will wait until old age to find it again, and some will never live their reawakening.


Thor Victor Langsjoen
i had an invigorating conversation tonight and sang to myself on the ride home... an idea i was singing or came to me while singing caught me and i hurried to my keyboard to type it out only to realize (again) that the mood of the idea- nay the very fabric of its meaning :P - had changed.    here is that transfer of energy and how it loosely became two separate thoughts:


1. writing.... the language and cadence and meter and rhythm of.... music. what we are capable of expressing outside of the verbal realm is so immense... why should we need language but for any other purpose than to hear ourselves make music with it? 2.
point to progress and look down the tip of your index figure. There is as much brutality and injustice as there has ever been.. there is as much capacity for love and chronic misuse of that capacity as there's ever been. there is as much hope and as much despondency, too. Could it be that progress is an illusion? Devil's design, my friend. It is only so ingenious, were that the case.


this is a pattern i recognize often in myself.   something i haven't been able to control, the nervous or habitual side- where an idea can be nice, or even pretty (1.)... and i will turn it on its head to become an argument against or demonizing what really is.. (2.) and often unfairly.    i begin positively and end venomously.

well i had no intention of psychoanalyzing myself when i came to post this here...  that would be the third part where i catch myself and break apart everything that just happened...


4 would be when i make a joke about whatever just transpired and attempt to cover up its ever existing.

ah... haha

happy holidays
issuu.com/timeshow/docs/timesh…

timeshow 2.
when i stare at a blank sheet of paper, i no longer see possibilities..  when i sit down to write, i lose my train of thought.     here i am trying to discuss it and i think:  why does anybody need to know about this?    who am i talking to when i'm talking to a crowd?  and other tangents.

I have managed to skip the point..  by forgetting- i don't know how i forget so much.    somebody told me that it is because i don't care.      because i don't care.   there is an element of truth to that.   

doll drums
thanks deviantart..   i'm glad you download video advertisements to my harddrive so that i can watch them on my computer..   <3
www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAriDx…

powerful sorrowful life affirming goodness
there are a few pages in particular from thomas mann's "a magic mountain"  (Der Zauberberg) that really just get me...  pages 475-477   Read them sometime... read the whole book though, if you do, because its amazing:

here is a snippet between pgs 475-476 from the woods translation:

"I know what you think of the nation-state. 'Above all else, love the fatherland and a boundless hunger for glory.' That is Virgil. You amend him with little liberal individualism, and call it democracy; but your fundamental relationship to the state remains completely untouched. You are apparently not disturbed by the fact that money is its soul--

Or would you contest that? Antiquity was capitalist because it idolized the state. The Christian Middle Ages clearly saw that the secular state was inherently capitalist. 'Money will become our emperor'--that is a prophecy from the eleventh century. Do you deny that it has literally come true, making life itself a veritable hell?"


Augh..   this was published in 1924!   gives me the shivers.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=KB_2CU…

blaze foley, you helped me at a rough time.. i remember first hearing this song early one morning on the public radio station when i worked at a catholic nunnery in mankato as a dishwasher/kitchen hand.

it was being covered by john prine- i didn't catch the title only a few snippets of verse and wrote them down.. found them again months later and looked the song up.. glad I did, it led me to foley..   

those lyrics go:

I'm goin' down to the Greyhound Station, gonna get a ticket to ride
Gonna find that lady with two or three kids and sit down by her side
Ride 'til the sun comes up and down around me 'bout two or three times
Smokin' cigarettes in the last seat
Tryin' to hide my sorrow from the people I meet

and get along with it all
where the people say "y'all"
Sing a song with a friend
Change the shape that I'm in,
And get back in the game,
And start playin' again

I'd like to stay but I might have to go to start over again
Might go back down to Texas, might go to somewhere that I've never been
And get up in the mornin' and go out at night
and I won't have to go home
Get used to bein' alone
Change the words to this song
Start singin' again

I'm tired of runnin' 'round lookin' for answers to questions that I already know
I could build me a castle of memories just to have somewhere to go
Count the days and the nights that it takes to get back in the saddle again
Feed the pigeons some clay
Turn the night into day
Start talkin' again, when I know what to say

I'm goin' down to the Greyhound Station, gonna get a ticket to ride
Gonna find that lady with two or three kids and sit down by her side
Ride 'til the sun comes up and down around me 'bout two or three times
Smokin' cigarettes in the last seat
Tryin' to hide my sorrow from the people I meet
And get along with it all

where the people say "y'all"
Feed the pigeons some clay
Turn the night into day
Start talkin' again
When I know what to say
self love self importance self loathing self deprecating
self sabotage self pity self mutilating self serving

a thousand masks but its all the same monster underneath

selfishness
every great idea that occurs to me is an obstacle between me and the next and realizing this attached to the word "dream" gave my body the tingles.

but still I blocked my flow of thought and thus perchance another great one to carry this message home with me today.
grooveshark.com/s/+quicksilver…

the most bittersweet

(quicksilver daydreams of) maria by townes van zandt.
I was scoping out a documentary to watch and I saw one called "The other loch ness monster" about aliester crowley..  Yeah, the rich-kid 'mystical' prodigy who tried to make his own religion and basically stole the wiccan rede "an it harm none do as ye will" changing it (basically) to:  "do as ye will."   Whatever.. don't really like the guy.   Did you know he was in a mystical orginization/cult (can i use that word?) called: "the hermetic order of the golden dawn"?   Guess what, so was this great poet called W.B. Yeates.  you may have heard of him... Yeah that upstart who tried to overthrow the head of the order mister mathers for being too autocratic.  From wikipedia:  

he (Crowley) disliked the poet W.B. Yeats, who had been one of the rebels, because Yeats had not been particularly favourable towards one of his own poems, Jephthat [sic] (*its jephthah, apparently.)  he was an old testament judge of israel..   (funny how the old testament keeps popping up in my musings)

haha.. anyway, on the yeates crowley rivalry, i am imagining them as deviantart 'avatars' now bickering about what art is.    (*cough.. close to home.. been there*)  .. moving on...

anyway.. its all very ridiculous..  but then i wanted to look up mysticism.  What is mysticism broadly put, i wondered:   so, back to wikipedia.. this excerpt shed a little light on the subject for me:  

Ambiguities of meaning: The mystic interprets the world through a different lens than is present in ordinary experience, which can prove to be a significant obstacle to those who research mystical teachings and paths. Much like poetry, the words of mystics are often idiosyncratic and esoteric, can seem confusing and opaque, simultaneously over-simplified and full of subtle meanings hidden from the unenlightened. To the mystic, however, they are pragmatic statements, without subtext or weight; simple obvious truths of experience. One of the more famous lines from the Tao Te Ching, for instance, reads:

My words are very easy to know, and very easy to practice;
but there is no one in the world who is able to know and able to practice them. (Legge, 70)  (i like it..)

both aleister and yeates were poets.. are poets just naturally drawn to mysticism?     I like poetry and I find mysticism intriguing..  Should I start my own religion?   

I think a lot of these self-proclaimed mystics actually suffer from a pervertingly over-nurtured ego.       Not yeates though, he's cool.  

Tread softly
i was churning waffle mix in preparation for the continental breakfast later on this morning..    the task requires a bit of patience on my part because the stuff likes to bubble and rise so i have to add the mixture to water gradually, constantly stirring, breaking.    I was almost finished, gazing into the vat of bubbles before me, the bubbles gazing back, when a meaningful connection clicked inside my night addled/sharpened mind..

it was an ex-girlfriend who told me of her father's favorite bible verse:   1 corinthians 13 12 : "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."   I always wanted to make sense of it because i realize the importance of others' important realizations..  

this came to mind simultaneously with friedrich nietzsche's:  "if you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you" from beyond good and evil

so.. the abyss of waffle mix gazed into me and face to face i knew the waffle mix as it knew me.    peculiar.
because i am not the type of person who uses bookmarks,

i am struck by the front page--  ordered by popularity in all genres over the last 8 hours..

this site should be called deviantporn for kids

speedyhimura.deviantart.com/ar…

really??   porn made for and by children.   w2g interwebs.